Loose Screws
– scene 2.
A play by Małgorzata Sikorska-Miszczuk.
Translated from Polish by Benjamin Paloff.
VICTORIA and MR. BLEH, together on the bed.
MR. BLEH
To recover the feeling of reality, the best thing is to enter the flow of life, to enjoy the benefits of the ritual of a meal together. No, I wouldn’t say that. Victoria no longer shares her dreams with me. Victoria, come to breakfast.
VICTORIA
Mr. Bleh, the Prime Minister, is hungry. Good governance is exhausting, and though the wellspring of Mr. Bleh’s soul and brain is his love of fatherland (a wellspring that is itself inexhaustible), Mr. Bleh’s remaining organs have their own reasons not to expire.
MR. BLEH
For breakfast I would like Kuyavian bran.
VICTORIA
I am prepared to furnish Mister Bleh with bran, but at the same time I stand before a dilemma: should I be bitter, or not?
MR. BLEH
For breakfast I would like Kuyavian bran.
VICTORIA
I have Mazovian, Podlachian, Mazurian, whatever your heart desires.
Loose Screws
Małgorzata Sikorska-Miszczuk’s play Loose Screws is a political fiction; it’s style is absurd and zany. Wiktoria, wife of Mister Bleh, Polish Prime-Minister-for-life, lives in a state of melancholy and unfulfillment. Her husband is completely preoccupied with running Poland (which, accorded its own voice in the play, is not at all happy about this) and with debunking historical lies. He does that together with one Hans who claims that during World War II, Poles took into hiding in their homes over a million Good Germans. Wiktoria’s salvation is the news that part of Poland – the Kujawy region – has been taken over by Islamic-style terrorist separatists who want to establish Greater Kujawy and dispatch Poland itself to the island of Jakundu. Wiktoria sets out to meet the separatist group’s leader, who goes by the name of 99 Groszy (99 cents), and support his liberation activities. However, the Kujawy rebellion turns out to be a happy twist of fate also for Mister Bleh. In the final scenes, almost all characters are killed – which doesn’t mean that they don’t live on.
From the E-newsletter of the Polish Theatre Institute, New Polish Plays, Vol. I, Issue 1, April 2007 / Editor: Małgorzata Semil, Congtributors: Katarzyna Zielińska, Gabriela Detka, Iga Dzieciuchowicz, Kamila Paprocka
MR. BLEH
I would like Kuyavian. The best comes from unspoiled Kuyavia.
VICTORIA
I don’t know how to tell you this, Bleh, but there’s a problem with breakfast.
MR. BLEH
That’s no good, Victoria. It troubles me greatly.
VICTORIA
I don’t know why you’re so troubled about Kuyavian bran, but the reason we have none is as follows: Kuyavia has attacked us.
MR. BLEH
What us?
VICTORIA
Our country.
MR. BLEH
Oh! That doesn’t worry me. I’m glad! What’s important is for us to have breakfast together.
VICTORIA
What about Kuyavia?
MR. BLEH
A province in revolt. Wonderful. What other kinds of bran do we have?
VICTORIA
How about Mazovian?
MR. BLEH Mazovian might be polluted. No doubt they want to kill me as well?
VICTORIA
You, and The President of the U.S., and they want to wipe Poland off the map.
MR. BLEH
Wonderful, wonderful. I judge the situation to be critical and unforeseeable. Couldn’t be better.
VICTORIA
That being the case, let’s have Podlachian.
MR. BLEH
Podlachian would be fine. I am a good leader for this country. The last one was an idiot. The one before him was an idiot, and the one before him was also an idiot. The first ones were whittled out of potatoes. That being the case, I will look after Poland. You must eat something.
POLAND (female voice) (solemnly)
Stop looking after me.
VICTORIA
You don’t have to look after me.
MR. BLEH
My day’s gotten off to a terrible start, as far as breakfast is concerned. But, I repeat, I will look after Poland, regardless of the situation, to the death.
POLAND (female voice) (solemnly)
I’ll manage quite fine without you, no offence.
MR. BLEH
Even if Poland herself were to come here and say, “Don’t worry about me,” I wouldn’t listen.
POLAND (female voice) (solemnly)
You’re out of line. Think about your wife’s anatomy.
VICTORIA (to Mr. Bleh)
And if Poland were to say to you, “Don’t worry about me, just think about your wife’s anatomy”?
MR. BLEH
The fact of the matter is that rarely does a politician have a wife with such beautiful anatomy as yours, Victoria. Of course, I’m not saying this on the record, which would be madness on my part!
VICTORIA
Hee hee. And here is our bran, Bleh.
MR. BLEH
Let’s dig in, or, to be precise, let’s dig our spoons in, Victoria.
Copyright by Małgorzata Sikorska-Miszczuk and Agencja Dramatu
Copyright for the English translation Benjamin Paloff
MAŁGORZATA SIKORSKA-MISZCZUK (born 1964) – playwright and screenwriter; nowadays considered one of the most respectable and most often awarded playwrights in contemporary Polish theatre. Her original grotesque plays meet favourable approval among theatre directors, critics and the audience.
